What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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