Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
