Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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