I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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