This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
