weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
God I need to hump something, right now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
dude. I can hear the air.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
