I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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