if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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