you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
In America we eat man semen.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And then my night got REAL pukey
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
