My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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