I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
