so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You pole danced in your parka.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
