Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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