My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
