Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
we should paint friendship bongs
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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