Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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