Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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