70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
