I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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