Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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