it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
