Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Text me some of your sweat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
