ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
