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At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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