We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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