I wish I could teleport
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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