She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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