He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
