there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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