i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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