My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
