yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
