I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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