I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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