AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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