Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
