When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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