It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
