I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
