two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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