loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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