I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
