I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
