I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.