Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life