I heard we made out
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.