things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing