So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.