I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof