i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
