last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
