I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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