I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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