I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
