please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
