Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
