It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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