I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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