those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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