Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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