Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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