life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
