Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
