I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
