My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
